Interrupting my mental health nursing degree

I started university with pre-existing mental health conditions, and I would be lying if I told you I was not concerned about my own mental health considering the nature of my degree. Don't get me wrong, I was in a very stable place at the time, but mental illness does not often just go, it is something that many people seem to manage as opposed to fully recover from. I was very determined and motivated however, with very good insight into my own mental health problems, and I was confident I would be able to cope. 

 

Over the course of my degree I have really struggled at times, not with the course as such, more because of my own health and well-being. I have always felt very well supported by staff at the university and those supporting me in practice. My academic advisor has been a godsend and I have been fortunate to be able to see her on a regular basis. Over the course of my studies I have made good friends with many people from my cohort and the peer support has been vital for me. 

 

My eating disorder has crept in to play on occasion and affected my nutrition which has had an adverse effect on my physical health. In hindsight, I should have done more to look after my physical well-being as this has been the trigger for many of the difficulties I have experienced with my mental health. I should have taken up a sport or engaged in other interests and hobbies. Hindsight is a fine thing and however much I want to, I cannot go back and change the past. I must also accept that mental illness is just that, an illness and sometimes it is important to take a step back and acknowledge that you need some help and support. 

 

During the first semester of my 3rd year I began struggling a lot more than I had done previously. I became incredibly anxious, was very withdrawn and lost quite a lot of weight. I have OCD and normally it is very mild but, on this occasion, it escalated. I was having to check that all doors and windows were shut several times before I could leave the house and I would often have to return back to the house 5 minutes after leaving to repeat the checking process. I was also incredibly anxious about my health and was convinced that something was going to kill me. This was incredibly exhausting and distressing. The weight loss meant I was tired all the time and I struggled to keep going on placement which left me feeling disappointed in myself for not performing well. I spent most evenings crying down the phone to my parents and I also began experiencing suicidal thoughts. Thoughts and urges to take an overdose of my prescribed medication were intense at times. The loneliness, pain and distress were often so overwhelming that I wanted out. 

 

As well as having difficulties with placement I also struggled with my academic work, mainly due to a lack of concentration. I ended up getting extensions on my assignments and was only able to complete one of them. I criticised myself heavily for requiring extensions because, with the mindset I was in at the time, I saw it as a weakness and a failure on my part. All of this occurred before Christmas, so I was hoping to make a miraculous recovery over the holidays. This obviously did not happen and so I arranged a meeting with my Academic Advisor to talk to her about my options. After taking into consideration the pros and cons to various decisions I decided to interrupt my studies with the plan of coming back in September to restart my third year. 

 

I have experienced a vast array of emotions since interrupting my studies. Initially I felt very frustrated, sad and disappointed. I am extremely critical of myself and having to take time out from my degree felt like a failure. I believed I had let myself, my family, my friends and my lecturers down. I also felt sad knowing that I wouldn't be continuing and graduating with all of my friends on the course, especially because many of them had given me a lot of support over the years. I blamed myself at the time, I felt as though I could have prevented the situation and not have had to face the decision. I struggled to accept that I was not well mentally, and I needed time away to recover, just like I would if it had been a physical illness. 

 

After I had interrupted my degree I decided to stay in Manchester as I was still paying my rent up until June. I had a plan that I would take a bit of time for myself then would apply to be a Bank Health Care Assistant. At the same time, I also began having CBT therapy weekly. It was difficult staying in Manchester because my housemates and other friends from the course were continuing in their studies and if I'm to be honest, I felt envious of them. Just before the country went into lockdown, I returned home as I needed to be with my family. 

 

The invitation for student nurses to opt in an undertake an extended placement to support the covid-19 response increased the guilt I felt. I was ashamed of not being able to contribute and play my role in supporting mental health services during the pandemic. I challenged these thoughts by telling myself that I was not well and would be of little use anyway. I will still be needed in the future and my own mental health needs to be my priority. From experience I am also aware that my mental health can deteriorate rapidly if I do not intervene, requiring more support and a longer time away. It is therefore in my best interests to 'nip it in the bud' so to speak. This feeling of guilt however, lasted right the way through lockdown and it was only after this period did I acknowledge that I had made the right decision. 

 

I am now on the verge of starting year 3 again and I am feeling far more motivated and determined. My physical and mental health has significantly improved, and I have a lot more energy and enthusiasm. Having time off was the best decision I could have made, not that I would have made it much further anyway. It is interesting to reflect on the emotions I have experienced since I interrupted my studies in January. Initially it was frustration and self-blame, then guilt and finally acceptance and relief. The situation regarding the coronavirus pandemic is still very uncertain and the university I am returning to will be significantly different to the one I left. For a start, all lectures and seminars will be online and any contact with lecturers will be very limited. I am slightly worried about this because I am concerned, I will struggle to adapt to online learning and feel isolated. I have spoken to people about these feelings and I will need to remember that despite the restrictive contact, I still have plenty of support. 

 

I am aware that many student nurses interrupt their degrees for a variety of different reasons. A nursing degree is incredibly intense and challenging. On top of the academic work there are also 2300 hours of placement to complete. It can be difficult to have any time off due to the pressure to complete the required hours. Sometimes it can be a case of making a decision as to which is more stressful, trying to continue when you are in desperate need of a break or the worry of having to make up hours. In all, it is a very tough degree and you will struggle to find anybody who would describe their nursing degree as a walk in the park. 

 

I acknowledge that I was in a very fortunate position to be able to interrupt my studies and not have any concerns financially and I appreciate that that is not the case for everybody. What I will however say is that no degree or job is more important than your health. Looking after your own physical and mental health should always take priority. It is important to be aware of your own limits. Despite my initial feelings around interruption, I am now so pleased and relieved that I made that decision and others who faced a similar situation say the same. If anybody is having any concerns and considering interrupting their studies, I would advise they speak to their tutors as I worry that it can sometimes be a decision people feel they need to make alone and can feel shame in raising it with anyone. There really is nothing to feel ashamed about. Acknowledging you need that time off shows honesty, self-awareness and professionalism which are important qualities in a nurse.