The purpose and development of my eating disorder

Eating disorders have a purpose to them, they don't just emerge for no reason. Many describe their eating disorder as helping them to feel in control of something, others see it as a form of self-harm, some say it helps numb feelings etc. Many people describe initially seeing their eating disorder as being like a best friend, something that they trust and value. I'm aware that I am referring to eating disorders as though they are helpful, but there is in fact truth to that. They wouldn't be so difficult to recover from if there was no benefit to them. After years of therapy and reflection I've grown to understand and acknowledge the purpose of my eating disorder and the reasons why I developed one. In the process of letting go of anorexia I was faced with everything I had been running away from, creating raw terror, confusion, pain and self-hatred. It was like releasing flood gates with everything overwhelming me. It was only after this though that I started to make real progress. This was because I had begun to remove anorexia's purpose, depriving her of power. 

Eating disorders are never choices, just like all other forms of mental illness, however there are often triggers. Some describe being triggered by a comment made to them about their size/weight or feeling pressured in to staying slim. I don't recall there being a particular trigger for my eating disorder but I remember feeling the need to cut foods that I deemed 'bad' out of my diet. I don't remember doing this with the intention of losing weight, more for the benefit of my health, however I continued to restrict further. My very active lifestyle at the time meant that I lost weight relatively quickly. Here started my journey to hell and back. 

I have lived with anorexia for 12 years now and to be honest, I have forgotten what life was like without it. If I look back at my childhood, I’m not surprised that I developed a mental illness, however I will add that nobody is to blame. I have a wonderful family that mean everything to me and who I know love me dearly. From an incredibly young age I remember feeling insecure and confused about who I was. Deep down I wanted to be a boy and I remember feeling very distressed about being a girl. I distinctly remember praying one night that I would wake up a boy, sadly no such luck. Despite this I would rarely kick up a fuss and would occasionally go through periods of being very feminine. I attribute this to my need to please, yearning for acceptance and fearing abandonment. Upsetting and disappointing my family was my biggest fear and it still is to this day.

 

Growing up, I'm not sure I felt as though I was living in the wrong body, it was more about wanting to take part in activities more associated with boys and wanting to wear boy's clothes. I remember feeling disgusted in girls clothes, probably due to the excessive use of pink. I can clearly remember the distress of having to wear a dress as they made me feel very uncomfortable. I wanted to rebel and refuse but I would wear it for fear of upsetting people if I didn’t. Ultimately I was in this battle between the need to express who I truly was and the need to ensure I didn’t disappoint my family. All these thoughts and feelings led me to grow up believing that the person I was wasn’t acceptable, I couldn’t be the true me as that would mean rejection. It wasn’t until I was 23 that I started to think, fuck it, I’m going to start embracing the real me and face that fear of rejection head on. Experiencing all this confusion and distress around my identity led me to find comfort in the anorexic identity. Maybe it was because it was neither male or female although I do now refer to it as a she. Losing such a significant amount of weight meant I developed quite a childlike figure and my periods stopped. In a sense, it made me feel as though I was losing my womanhood which I was very happy about.

 

I came out as a lesbian when I was 18 after having suspicions for several years. This too brought about a lot of pain and distress as I didn’t believe my parents would accept a gay daughter. This belief was probably initiated by hearing family members describe homosexuals in a derogatory way as a young child. I came out to my parents during my second admission to hospital which I did purposefully so that there was somebody else present and if I was disowned I still had a bed for the night. I feel a bit of a coward for admitting that but it goes to show the extent of my fear. My family meant everything to me and the thought of losing them terrified me. 

These insecurities surrounding my identity led me to feel intense shame and guilt which I believe are the 2 most difficult emotions to experience. I was ashamed of who I was and felt guilty that I wasn't the person my family deserved. I developed a lot self-loathing and had no respect for myself. I sought comfort in being incredibly hungry as it meant I was hurting myself. I felt guilty for being alive but it was okay because I was damaging myself in the form of starvation and deprivation. I could live because I was suffering. Anorexia also numbed me so I didn't really feel very much, protecting me from those intense, difficult emotions I was running away from. I was in this anorexic bubble and it felt safe. I would also describe my eating disorder as a distraction. I spent my days just thinking about what food I was going to eat and how I was going to get out of eating certain things which helped distract me from all the worrying thoughts I had. 

I also believe that anorexia was a subconscious way of expressing my inner turmoil and anguish. I have always been a very slim person with a small bone structure and therefore I didn't have to lose much weight before I became underweight and caused concern. I remember feeling very uncomfortable if anybody broached the subject of my size. A few of the teachers at school were concerned and would comment that they were worried about the amount of weight I had lost. I would always deny there being any problem and would try to reassure them that I was fine. As well as finding it uncomfortable I would also get angry at people if they showed concern which I believe was because that concern left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. On the outside my fragile, emaciated state must have made me look very vulnerable but the anorexia gave me this perceived inner strength and power. 

 

It is my theory that the insecurity surrounding my identity and suppression of thoughts and emotions are the significant influencing factors of my eating disorder. I guess it led to the development of this core belief that I am not good enough, the real me isn’t acceptable and I need to try to be somebody else. Despite making huge progress in accepting who I am and  being able to embrace my true identity I still have some way to go. I still, to some degree, hate myself and I’m not sure if that will ever change. 

This is a poem I have written about my anorexia's purpose. 

A purpose

 A means of control

Something to extol

A trusted friend

One which I could depend

She was an identity

An entity

Form of punishment

A way to repent

She was a safety net

However, I had to accept

Her purpose was flawed

She was, in fact, a fraud