Anorexia - My protective jail

 

I find the use of analogies helpful because they allow me to make better sense of my thoughts, feelings and experiences.

 

Freeing myself from my internal prison perfectly sums up my anorexia recovery process. I was my own judge and jailer, sentencing myself to a life of pain and misery. My experience of anorexia was like being in a dictatorship. She would tell me what to do and I had to obey without negotiation. She was demanding, controlling, manipulative and ruthless, any defiance led to punishment. I was trapped and I felt helpless. There was an element of safety to my imprisonment though. I felt hidden and protected from the outside world in the confines of my toxic bubble.

 

This internal prison was shame. In my opinion, shame is potentially a hugely paralysing and damaging emotion to experience, especially when it is enduring. It can be overwhelmingly painful to feel. I felt shame because of who I was, and I was not safe to show that person to the world. I was convinced that the person I truly was would be rejected and the truth would hurt others too. It was therefore safer to be confined to my internal jail, free from vulnerability, judgement and abandonment. The imprisonment allowed me to form a safe identity of somebody who was accepted. It was false and vastly different from the true me.

 

That first step towards freedom was the most terrifying. A huge step in to the unknown with the expectation of the worst scenario. What made me take this step was in fact pain. As much as it was protective, the imprisonment was painful because I was depriving myself of everything that I needed. This included nutrition, relationships, joy, hope and love. I reached a point where I could not endure the pain any longer and I had to free myself.

 

It is overwhelmingly distressing for me to reflect upon my time of imprisonment and to acknowledge that it was not necessary. I experienced punishment when I had committed no crime. I do however need to accept that it happened, and that experience cannot be changed. Amidst the terror of freedom, I have felt the joy of liberation. My recovery journey has been long and exhausting, but not once have I regretted unshackling myself from the chains.

 

The greatest aspect to my recovery has been having the courage to be completely myself and to start to feel love, respect and pride for that person. Being authentic has meant that I have been able to form better relationships with others because people are finally able to get to know the true me. True connection only occurs through authenticity, however that authenticity can feel exposing and vulnerable. That is what anorexia was protecting me from.

 

I make a habit not to refer to food too much in my blogs because I want to emphasise the underlying ‘stuff’ beneath the disordered eating behaviours people commonly associate eating disorders with but I will make an exception here. Working at recovery has allowed me to enjoy eating again and to enjoy all those social activities that revolve around food and drink. This is because being free and respecting my true self encouraged me to take the steps to care for my body and mind. I valued myself so I ate properly and allowed enjoyment into my life because I started to feel that I deserved it. 

 

Feeling is scary which is why many people, including those with eating disorders, use often unhealthy coping mechanisms and avoidance measures which in the long run can be very detrimental. Why feelings are scary, I do not know? People will have different answers to this. I found my emotions very uncomfortable, particularly those feelings of shame, guilt, sadness and anger and anorexia is wonderfully numbing. The problem is that you then do not feel any of the good stuff either such as happiness. Freeing myself allowed me to experience joy again, to feel excited and to believe that life was worth living. An image of a balloon being released from a bunch of balloons is a great analogy to describe this feeling. I felt free and unburdened.

 

I feel like I am still taking a risk in a sense with my newfound freedom. I am slowly revealing more and more of the true me and testing it out, so to speak. Maybe its anorexia telling me it is a risk; I do not know. I do still worry about what people think of me and I spend many waking hours pondering this which makes me question what I am doing, and I am lured towards the protective jail that is anorexia. I do not head back there though, I feel uncomfortable with the thoughts and decide to accept that I might not be everyone’s ‘cup of tea,’ but that’s okay and it isn’t a cause for me to change who I am. I accept it and I move on.

 

The hardest challenges are often the most worthwhile. They have the greatest reward at the end, that is for sure. Sometimes it is about having the courage to take those first few steps though. I took those first few steps about 10 years ago now and yes it has been a long journey. I am however walking further away from my protective jail with each day that passes, and I feel strengthened and motivated by the wonders of freedom.