Finding the small joys in everyday

 

If you know me in real life or follow my twitter account then you’ll know that I do have a tendency to veer towards negative thinking and as you can imagine, this has at times been significantly worse throughout stages of the current pandemic. Ruminating on and critiquing my past and overthinking current circumstances has completely overshadowed any ounce of goodness that I may be experiencing. It is as though I do not feel there should be anything to feel positive about and it would be wrong to allow myself to feel that way.

 

Being a student mental health nurse has posed a real challenge to me because of my vulnerability to negative thinking and my tendency to become an ‘emotional sponge’ (Somebody that takes on the emotions of those around them). Throughout the placement experiences I have had so far, I have worked with many people who have suffered immensely as a consequence of trauma (including iatrogenic trauma), their mental illness itself, social isolation, stigma etc. Their pain is often clearly evident, and it evokes strong difficult emotions in me including sadness, anger and frustration. This can trigger a little voice in my head that says, ‘why should you feel good and experience good times when others suffer so much?’ This understandably leads to guilt. 

 

It can be hard to think positively when there seems to be so much struggle. This year has been horrendous, and I think it would be difficult to find somebody who would not admit that this year has been tough for them. We have been prevented from seeing our loved ones and engaging in activities that we enjoy. Many of the things we had been looking forward to have been cancelled such as weddings, holidays etc. Nobody could have anticipated how our lives could change so significantly in such a short space of time. In light of this, any negative thinking is understandable.

 

I acknowledge now that this way of thinking is not only unpleasant, it’s also very detrimental to both my physical and mental health, my mental health being fragile at the best of times. In the last couple of months, I have observed my mood slowly dipping and those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness creep back in. This is something I have experienced on many occasions, yet I have not really fathomed or utilised many self-management techniques. My first port of call tends to be venting to any poor unfortunate soul who happens to be the chosen one and running to my GP in the hope of an increase in antidepressants. I won’t lie, I am not the greatest fan of cognitive behavioural therapy or mindfulness which is what is usually recommended to me. I am not saying they are not affective; they just do not really help me which is normally because I end up getting frustrated. I think that having such intensive support for my eating disorder over several years has, to an extent, made me slightly reliant on the support of others. Seeking support is a positive thing to do but it is equally important to discover and utilise our own coping mechanisms independently.

 

The poor unfortunate soul I mentioned earlier happened to be my academic advisor at university. My negativity was having an impact on my university work and my health which is obviously concerning. She was the one that advised me to go and seek out the joys in every day and try to live in the present, I had also become accustomed to dwelling on the past and fearing the future. Being restricted in what we can do and where we can go is incredibly challenging which is why it is important to find enjoyment out of the simpler things. I have done a lot a lot more walking recently and it has amazed me how little I have acknowledged what is around me.

 

I have lived in Manchester since starting there at university in 2017 and it’s shocked me how little of the central part of the city I’ve seen and how little attention I’ve paid to where I have been. As advised by Susan, I have been picking a location at least once a week and having a walk around there, taking a few photos while I am at it.  To my surprise, I have been really taken in by what I have seen. Manchester is well known for his architecture and it has been enjoyable having a look at different buildings, both the old and the new. I have also been discovering lots of little marinas along the canal that stretches through the heart of Manchester. I have enjoyed sitting and watching the geese and ducks and admired the canal boats. It has helped to reflect on things that are constant and have an escape from everything that is going on in the world. It has been important to remind myself that many things have not changed, and that life still goes on.

 

As well as exploring I have also appreciated other small joys such as phone calls/zoom meetings with family/friends, books, films, tasty food, nice beers. We still need to be finding ways to enjoy life and this keeps us in the present too.

 

I am aware that I have made it sound simple and straightforward to change your perspective and we are all in very different situations. Positivity is not something we can magically place upon ourselves but rather something we need to work on. Having this change of perspective has done wonders for my mental health in regards to managing anxiety and stabilising my mood. It has also helped with my self-esteem and self-belief which is probably because I have been able to cope more independently and not been dependent on the support of others. Sometimes it only takes a few words from someone to help influence change, sometimes they need to be firm words. I have now got to work hard at maintaining this newly found positive attitude.