Coming out

Reflecting on it, coming out seems like a very unnecessary action which demonstrates that stigma surrounding homosexuality is still very much alive and well. Why should you have to announce who you are? Coming out also reinforces the misconception that your sexuality is a choice you make. I really do hope there will come a time when people do not feel the need to come out, when a gay marriage is just a marriage and homophobia is non-existent. 

 

Coming out was an incredibly long, painful, frightening and confusing process for me. I have never really spoken or written down what I experienced growing up or my coming out story, so I thought it was about time.

 

Despite there being many signs, I did not fully acknowledge that I was a lesbian until about the age of 17. I had realised I was different but was not sure what it was I was feeling. As is the norm in an all-girls school, much of the conversation revolved around boys. I can remember feeling very confused as to what the fascination was with them, they were just boys. They would get excited over topless photos of men and to fit in, I did the same, though not sure what their excitement was all about. I could appreciate they were handsome and had toned physiques, but I did not feel anything towards them. I can laugh about it now, but it was a very confusing and worrying time for me. I could not fathom why I felt differently, I felt as though there was something wrong with me. Why was I not experiencing some attraction to these hunky men? 

 

After years spent cutting out pics of topless men from magazines, it was now time to move on to the next level, finding a boyfriend. As it was an all-girls school, my friends had to search further afield. Now boyfriends were the topic of conversation in the classroom and I felt even more lost. By the time I got to 6th form it seemed as though people either had a boyfriend or were wanting one, apart from me. I had no interest whatsoever, however, the pressure to fit in overwhelmed me. I stupidly tried to appear as though I had an interest in boys by pretending that I had an attraction to them. I never had a boyfriend, but I would flirt and make out with them on nights out as a false pretence. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this now because it was a very selfish thing for me to have done. 

 

At the age of 16 I began to make the realisation that I had no attraction to men and this was never going to change.  It felt good to acknowledge this but then the anxiety hit. I began to panic about whether I would be accepted by my friends and family because I know identified myself as being gay despite not really gauging as to whether I was attracted to women either. Then began 3 years of hell in which I also developed anorexia. 

 

Living in fear of losing everyone around me was incredibly distressing and painful. I truly believed that if I came out to friends and family, I would be rejected and disowned. This was an incredibly lonely time for me and it felt as though I was carrying round this heavy, dark secret. I knew that at one stage it would have to come out, I could not hide it for my entire life. These thoughts and feelings went on for 3 years and they were 3 years of hell. At the same time my anorexia was getting worse, probably because I sought comfort from it. It was becoming my identity which felt safe. Believing that everybody would reject me meant that I began to reject myself. I developed this intense self-hatred and felt the need to punish myself for doing wrong. I felt as though I had let my family down because I would not be living the life I thought my family wanted for me. I was not going to marry a man and have children in a conventional way. 

 

When I was a child, I heard close family members discussing homosexual people in a very derogatory way. They described it as being disgusting and immoral to be in a same-sex relationship, referring to homosexuality as if it were a choice. I grew up thinking that these were the beliefs of my entire family. I did not know of anybody gay growing up and homosexuality was never something brought up by my parents. You can understand why I genuinely believed that my coming out would mean disownment. 

 

I remember very clearly the first time I spoke to somebody about my confusion surrounding my sexuality. I was a patient on an eating disorders unit at the time and we were in a group therapy session. I had previously been a very closed book and I had not felt able to discuss my own thoughts and emotions with anyone. I am not entirely sure what we were discussing in the group but I briefly remember us talking about acceptance and I just broke down. I did not speak openly in the group, I just cried but the group facilitators asked me to stay behind at the end because they could see how distressed I was. There was me, a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist and an occupational therapist in a room and I collapsed into hysterics, pain and torment exploding from me as I told them that I thought I was gay. It was quite a scene but, in that moment, I thought I was the most vile and disgusting human being ever. 

 

Despite the difficulty in being open about my sexuality I did feel a sense of relief. I felt disgusting and expected those I had told to feel the same way about me but they treated me no differently. It took me a while after this though to pluck up the courage to come out to my parents. During my second admission to hospital I made the decision that I would come out to my parents because I could not cope with hiding it from them any longer. To say I was petrified would be an understatement but it was something I knew I needed to do. As part of my treatment for anorexia I had family therapy every fortnight which my parents attended. I decided that I would tell them in a session because there would be somebody else present and I had a bed for the night if I was disowned. Sounds a bit pathetic I know but it just goes to show the fear I was experiencing. In between sobs I told them, but what happened next was rather anti climatic. My parents just sat there and hugged me, almost confused as to why I was so upset and saying they loved me whatever. I have never felt so much relief and I do not think I ever will again, 3 years of anguish drained from me in that moment.   

 

Since coming out to my parents our relationship has not changed in the slightest. A massive weight was lifted from me that day but I have still struggled to accept my sexuality. Feeling shame for so long has meant that it has almost become ingrained within me, like a core belief. On the other hand, I am proud of myself for having the courage to express myself despite those concerns as to whether I would be accepted. My biggest fear is and will always be, being rejected and abandoned. I am still, however, learning to accept and respect myself but I am gradually making progress. 

A poem I wrote about coming out! 

Coming out

So what if I’m gay

It doesn’t matter, it’s okay

It wasn’t a choice, it’s just me

Hopefully, that, you can see

I was afraid of rejection

Hiding it was my intention

I would lead a lie of a life

Devoted to a husband, with me the wife

I forced myself to act

Tried to make fiction fact

It couldn’t carry on

What I was doing was wrong

I was damaging myself

Neglecting my mental health

I decided to tell

Secret freed from its cell

In a room

Thoughts of certain doom

I’m gay I want to shout

But no words come out

Then come the tears

Expressing my fears

I have something to say

I’m sorry but I’m gay

I expect disownment

No chance of atonement

My parents hugged me

Happy is all we want you to be

So that was the day

That I came out gay

Bit of an anti-climax

But at last I could relax

I could move on with life

and hopefully find a wife