Patient, professional and everything in between - how lived experience has influenced my mental health nursing degree

I aim to write candidly in all my blogs, and this is no different. I have written an honest account of what I have experienced and how I have felt as a student mental health nurse with lived experience of mental illness. 

 

My own experience of mental illness is what inspired me to want to be a mental health nurse. I remember receiving mixed responses when telling people that I had a place at university to study mental health nursing. Some people were thrilled for me and told me I had the right qualities to be a mental health nurse and that my lived experience would be an asset to me. Others were happy for me but were understandably concerned as to whether I was ready. At the time I had not long been discharged from hospital. This made me question myself on whether it was too soon, however I felt very motivated and figured it could potentially be of huge benefit to my recovery. 

 

When I moved to Manchester to begin my nursing degree, I had this strange belief that my mental illnesses would not follow me. I was going to reinvent myself, be a completely new Becca and nobody would need to know about my past.  This obviously never happened. I was honest and candid with people from the very beginning and I accepted that I could not run away from my life experiences. I wanted to talk to people about my past so that they could understand me better and, to an extent, support me. Having already lived with mental illness for many years, I knew that I would experience wobbles in the future. Sadly, mental illness is often not something that you just get over, it is likely to affect you in the long term. I wanted there to be friends who I could talk to if I felt my mental health was deteriorating while at university. 

 

I have been told on many occasions that I will make a great mental health nurse because of my own experiences. I can appreciate why people say this, but it can create a weight of pressure that can be overwhelming. Having lived experience is not an assurance that you will be a better nurse. I believe having personal experience of a mental illness has enhanced the level of understanding, compassion and empathy I feel which has obviously been of benefit for both theory and placement. I would consider myself to be a very empathic person. I cannot know exactly what others are experiencing but having insight has enabled me to relate better. I see my ability to empathise as one of my best qualities however I have, at times, found it overwhelming and to the detriment of my own mental health. It can often feel as though I am taking on others pain and experiencing it for myself. 

 

Having a history of mental illness has proved to be a challenge at times throughout my degree so far, particularly on placement. On some of my placements I have come across patients that almost remind me of myself. It triggers memories of when I was very unwell, particularly the times I was admitted to hospital. I can relate to the anger, fear, sadness, anxiety and despair that I often see in the patients I care for. Being in hospital can be a terrifying experience, suddenly you are placed somewhere you may never have been before with people you have never met, losing all control and freedom. That is on top of the pain and torment of the mental illness. I guess having my own experience of this helps me to empathise better with patients because I have a better understanding of what thoughts and emotions they may be experiencing. 

 

Having spent many years under the care of mental health services I have had a wide range of therapies, experienced many assessments and for the most part, been involved in my treatment planning. Before starting my nursing degree, I was aware of many of the different assessment and monitoring tools because I had already used them myself. I had been involved in the formulation of many of my own care plans, so I knew all about them. I have been under the care of a wide variety of mental health services which has given me insight into the role of different teams and professionals. Having this knowledge prior to starting the course has been a huge advantage. 

 

I have had a very positive experience of mental health care, which is obviously how it should be. I feel incredibly fortunate and grateful for the treatment that I have received over the years. Since I have been out on placement, I have seen for myself the devastating impact of under-funded and under-resourced services. This has triggered a lot of frustration within me and I have felt guilty for having the care that I did. Significant underfunding has meant resources are stretched and many patients are being let down because they are not receiving the treatment and support that they need. There are often huge waiting lists for psychological therapies and the variety of therapies that the NHS offer can be very limited. Community teams are often very stretched and struggle to provide enough support to patients. Without adequate support in the community many patients are having to be admitted to hospital but there are not enough beds. One of my biggest worries about being a future mental health nurse is feeling demoralised by the endless battle and wait for my patients to get the treatment they need and deserve. Please be assured that I am not judging mental health professionals here. The majority work very hard to provide the best care they can but they are being let down by underfunded and under resourced services. 

 

As somebody with lived experience I need to acknowledge that what helped me is not necessarily going to benefit somebody else. In terms of mental health care, it is never one size fits all and just because somebody has the same diagnosis does not mean their experiences are the same and the same treatment is beneficial. Also, as somebody with lived experience, I need to consider whether I think self-disclosure could ever be beneficial. I do not believe it is something that should be done frequently however I believe that in some situations, it would be appropriate, therapeutic and beneficial.  It is something I would do very sensitively and cautiously because I would never want to take the focus away from the patient. On a few occasions’ patients have noticed the self-harm scars on my arms, in this situation I am honest and authentic with them. I keep it brief and tell them that I have faced my own battles with mental illness and am now really pleased to be in a position to be able to support others. 

 

In my opinion I think there is a case for over professionalism. I believe that that being able to give a bit of yourself is a crucial aspect to the development of a therapeutic relationship. I found that when I was in hospital the nurses who I trusted, respected and found most helpful were those who spoke to us about themselves, told us what they did on their days off, where they went on holiday etc. Having those 'normal' conversations helped put me at ease and removed any power imbalance. On so many occasions, I have seen this 'us and them' dynamic and it is not helpful for either party. I believe that human connection is what nursing is all about. In addition to this, it was also very important for me to be autonomous and be involved in any decision making as much as possible. When I went into hospital, I felt as though I had lost all control. Being involved in the planning of my care made me feel understood, respected and valued. Having this level of insight has influenced how I interact with patients and the way I support them to be involved in any decision making regarding their care. 

 

Undertaking a nursing degree is tough. There are lectures and seminars to attend, assignments to write, exams to sit and placements to complete. This would be tough for anybody let alone if you have mental health conditions to contend with too. I coped relatively well throughout the first 2 years of my degree. I needed a lot of support from my academic advisor but with this, I was able to achieve good marks in my assignments and exams and perform well on placement. I knew when I began my degree that I would need extra support. In the past, I have made the mistake of not asking for help and support when I have needed it, this has led to a significant deterioration in my mental health. I did not want this happening at university, so I wanted to ensure I had someone there who I trusted and felt comfortable talking too. Fortunately, my academic advisor was exactly this. Having the opportunity to see her regularly has helped me immensely. 

 

An element of my decision to study to be a mental health nurse was because I wanted to help others. I have experienced the pain and suffering a mental illness can cause and I wanted to play a role in relieving that suffering in others. I wanted a career that gave me a purpose, one that was a vocation more than a job. I need to feel as though I am making a difference to people. Reflecting on life since I developed anorexia can be both upsetting and anger inducing, and I have many painful memories of what has been a very long journey. I want to channel all that pain and hurt inside into something positive. I have the right attributes needed to be a mental health nurse and I feel extremely passionate about influencing change and supporting the improvement and development of services. I want to ensure that more people have the positive experience of mental health care that I did.