I can recover!

 

People’s thoughts and beliefs around the meaning of recovery are often very different. In my opinion, recovery is a very unique and personal journey and shouldn’t be based upon generalised outcome measures.

 

Whilst in the throes of my eating disorder, I could never have imagined I would one day achieve a full recovery. It felt as though the anorexic voice and the thoughts/feelings associated with it were too ingrained within me. I figured the voice would be something I would have to learn to live with. I remember listening to recovery talks and not relating to this idea that those thoughts could one day disappear. I couldn’t even remember what it felt like not having fears and anxieties around food. I’d settled on this idea of a semi-recovery where I am able to challenge the thoughts and not let them dictate my life.

 

When I refer to thoughts, I don’t just mean the ones associated with food. My eating disorder impacted my entire life. It influenced the thoughts I had about myself, about the way I looked and my personality. I thought that I would always be self-loathing

 

I’ve been asked a few times what has allowed me to reach this place where I feel confident of a full recovery. Prior to beginning university, I was in what you may refer to as a revolving door cycle of hospital admissions and was living with anorexia as opposed to working at a recovery. If I look back now, I recognise the lack of insight that I had into my eating disorder, despite me thinking I had plenty at the time. I was also not thinking very positively and was still very fearful of letting go. My eating disorder felt safe, I’d grown used to it being there and I saw it as a protector. I felt like I was living between a rock and a hard place. The eating disorder was my rock and recovery was the hard place. As someone looking in from the outside, this concept must seem confusing, however, my eating disorder had a purpose, this I have written about in a previous blog. 

 

The last hospital admission I had was pivotal for me. I finally felt ready to show my vulnerability and openly express my distress. I began to allow people in and allow people to help me. I began experiencing a lot of anger and frustration in response to my eating disorder and fortunately, I was able to channel this into my recovery fight the majority of the time. At times, I wasn’t able to manage my anger appropriately, on one occasion, this transpired into a broken toe which wasn’t my finest moment. Despite the challenges of that admission, I left in a good place which I was able to maintain, enabling me to start my mental health nursing degree.

 

Throughout my degree I thought I was healthier than I actually was and I’m only really just acknowledging it now. I now feel slightly embarrassed that I was under this illusion of being very well when in fact, I was still being dictated to my eating disorder which did have a profound effect on my health and performance at uni. This all came to a head when I had to interrupt my studies due to ill health. It was then that I acknowledged things had to change if I were to complete my degree and be a mental health nurse. I had to admit to myself that I hadn’t been looking after myself and was now facing the consequences.

 

Interrupting my studies was initially devastating for me, however, I now have absolutely no regrets. That feeling of devastation was a blessing in disguise because it taught me that I wanted a career and a future, more than I felt safe within my eating disorder. A huge change in mindset occurred from this and I began to slowly face the remaining fears I had surrounding food and revealing my true identity, particularly in regards to appearance. I felt courageous and determined and had a “fuck you” attitude to anyone who wouldn’t accept me. Fortunately, everyone did accept me and I acknowledged that my fears emerged from my own insecurities more than from past experiences.

 

I’ve always attempted to set them, but I’ve never been too hung up on goals as I haven’t found them particularly helpful. A lot of people do so I would recommend trying them if you’re working at your own recovery. My progress didn’t emerge from goals, it kind of just happened when I learnt to trust in my journey and acknowledge that progress had to come in my own time. Despite the setbacks I feel that I have constantly progressed throughout my anorexia recovery process over the last 13 years. Hospitalisations ended up being one step back yet 4 steps forward. I learnt more about myself when I was unwell which gave me the knowledge and insight to move forward. I despise the term “back to square one” as it infers that everything was a waste, and nothing was gained, which is never true. I prefer the analogy which a previous consultant used; they described the recovery journey as being like a spiral staircase.

 

The numerous and complex contributors to the development of my eating disorder has meant that recovery was always going to be a long process. There was a lot of “shit to unpack” as I like to call it. The load is far lighter now and life has improved each time I have let a piece of anorexia go. Experiencing how much more enjoyable life is when you let go of the holds has been incredibly motivating for me. Having energy again has felt amazing., enjoying meals out has felt amazing, playing sport has felt amazing and wearing exactly what I want to wear has felt amazing. I’m reaching a stage at which anorexia serves no purpose and I have no room for it in my life. In the meantime, anorexia remains in the background, and I think I know why. I’m working on that last bit, and I know it will come with time.