Talking Therapy

I’ve been very fortunate to have had many courses of talking therapy throughout my time under the care of eating disorder services. These therapies played a major role in my ability to overcome anorexia in addition to supporting me through other periods of mental illness. I am therefore a huge advocate for talking therapy and am saddened by the lack of provision for it within NHS mental health services, in particular more specialised forms of talking therapy.

 

Having talking therapy has benefited me in numerous ways including helping me to identify the role that the anorexia played in my life, developing my understanding of the relationship between the way I think, the emotions that arise and my behaviours in response to this. Most importantly however, therapy gave me a safe space to unload the stuff I had suppressed for so long, feeling heard, understood and validated throughout this process. I developed a strong therapeutic relationship with the majority of the therapists I worked with, a relationship involving safety and trust.

 

Throughout this recent period of depression, I have been very reluctant to enter into the idea of having more therapy. I didn’t feel I needed it and, with my black and white thinking cap on, I came to the conclusion that it clearly hadn’t worked in the past because here I was still plagued by mental illness. I therefore began to see myself as a failure due to my inability to sustain good mental health. I wanted to make it my mission to fix myself basically. This mode of thinking began to alter when, on discussing my apprehension towards engaging in further therapy with a trainee clinical psychologist, she suggested seeing therapy as a piece of a puzzle. She used the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle to represent the journey of recovery from mental illness. She described the courses of therapy I had had in the past as pieces that had already been inserted into the puzzle, reframing this belief I had that previous therapy had clearly failed. This initiated further thought and reflecting and a realisation that, since my previous course of therapy, I had undergone a lot of changes in my life and had developed a greater level of insight and  self-awareness.

 

Despite the initial apprehension, I made the decision that a therapeutic intervention was what was needed. It had been recommended to me by the crisis team, my GP and the CMHT consultant. I figured I should listen to them, so I found a private therapist who provided the type of therapy I wanted. After the first session I realised that my initial reasons for hesitation were flawed, and I identified with the jigsaw puzzle analogy. I acknowledged that there were thoughts, feelings and experiences I had not shared in great detail previously. I experienced what I now identify as a childhood trauma that has significantly impacted the way I see myself and my relationship with others, in addition to how I manage and regulate my emotions. I refused to identify my experiences as trauma for fear of shame, judgement and guilt but it’s time to accept how debilitating it has been for me.

I previously thought that tangible achievements would help to improve my sense of self-worth and self-acceptance however that feeling of pride is only short-lasting. I acknowledge now that this isn’t the case because that feeling of self-hatred and a sense of generally being wrong is so deep rooted and ingrained within me. I’m hoping that therapy, in particular a psychodynamic approach will support me to develop a better sense of understanding and acceptance through identifying how those childhood experiences influence my current thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

 

I’ve always found therapy challenging, but I see that as a positive sign. I feel ready to take this next step because I’ve suffered enough, and I will do whatever it takes to help prevent mental illness from continuing to dominate my life.